|
|
My Past
This is my life & me. Read it and Weep. (that is , if you feel the need to!).
I was always a bit of a fat kid, but not obese. My mum had me on diets from the age of 5 upwards. It was never a choice of mine to go on a diet, it was always my mother that would make me go on these diets. I knew that "it was for the best" and so I could never argue, especially as a small child, and this set of childhood experiences set me up for other (as yet unresolved) insecurity problems. When I was sixteen, I started working part-time at a fairground in Southport, near where I lived and grew up (in Liverpool, England).
I also started to drink of an evening, normally about four or five pints a night; this soon became a habit! – It was around this time also that I started to eat a lot more fast food (on the way to the pub) and smoke, about 20 a day. This continued for a year or so, before I found out that I had Gout, from the amount of alcohol that I was drinking. I also, by this time, had started taking amphetamines and ecstasy of a weekend – so this was actually still keeping my weight in check, even though I was still drinking more than was good for me, and eating fast food most of the time. God, when I think back, I shudder!
This whole period of my life went from 1994 (when I was 16), up to around march 1996, when I was eventually sacked from the job. I kind of drifted about, finished college and got a sales job for a couple of months, but ended up going to University in Stockport (nr Manchester, UK), in September 1996.
Because I had moved away from home, and also I was the only person at my college who had moved away from home, so it took me a long while to actually make any friends, because all of the people at Uni. lived nearby, and had friends already, and then there was me, a bit of a shy bloke, whom, I guess everyone thought, had his own friends. Unfortunately this was not so, and I started to go to the off-license (liquor store) of a night time, go get an eight pack of lager, two bags of crisps and three bars of chocolate, and I would sit and eat all of them, and I was doing this every night of the week!
After a couple of months, I bought a car, and started going home of a weekend, but that still left five boring weekdays in which I would buy lager, get drunk, and eat loads of chocolate.
Once I eventually made friends, when we all went to Paris on a holiday, and I made friends with a classmate, I started going around with him, but unfortunately he is the one person with a bigger appetite than me, and who isn’t bothered about his expanding waistline! (and it is expanding quite alot.... he used to weigh 13 1/2 stones, now 15 1/2!!) – So I carried on drinking a hell of a lot, and also eating far too many takeouts. After I registered with a doctors in Stockport, because I had had a virus and couldn’t get to my home doctor, in Liverpool, the doc gave me a load of tests – including ecg, and about seven or eight bloods. He told me to get myself sorted out – and referred me to a dietician, who basically told me the same thing that everyone has all of my entire life, to "eat fruit and to stop eating fries". Wow – never thought of that one doc! - I have since moved again, and changed doctors again, and been referred to a dietician again, and been told to "eat more veg and less fries" again!!!! - I really think that all people in the UK should have private health care. If I could afford it, i certainly would!
I really WANT to lose weight, but food is the only thing that is always there and that doesn’t go off with other friends when something better comes along, you know what I mean? – It is an addiction, but it is an addiction whereby stopping would also kill you, only a bit quicker! – I only wish that there was a tablet that would stop hunger pangs, and also fulfil all nutritional requirements, as then I wouldn’t have a problem, as I could simply give up food! - I know that isn’t going to happen though!
I don’t want to go on a diet. If I go on a diet, all I will think about is the day that I get to come off the diet. What I need is something that will make my brain think about food three times a day, like everybody else’s, rather than 3000 times a day. I never get hungry, because my body never has the chance to say "Hang on, I actually need some food here" – the only time I think I ever get hungry is of a morning, if I have been eating late the previous night.
The worst thing with me is that I cannot cook to save my life – I tried boiled potatoes the other night, and they were disgusting, and I managed to burn rice the night after – f*cking RICE!!!! (Sorry about the language – SO frustrating!)
And as for jacket potatoes………….. Lets just say that I keep on trying!
It is so easy to just put something in the oven for 25 minutes and it is ready – but actually preparing food is a nightmare – I don’t need a diet sheet – or someone to tell me to eat my greens – I am not stupid – I know all of that – I don’t know what I need – but it would be something where I think "I can DO that, and it wont take up half of my life". I want to be slim, I want to walk round in the summer and not feel uncomfortable in a tee shirt because I am spilling out everywhere, and not uncomfortable because I am wearing a jacket and I am sweating pints – I want to stop being stared at – no that is wrong I WANT to be stared at, but because people think "WOW" – not "EWWW".
If only I could live a singe day in the life of a slim person, to see if things would change at all, if it IS all in my imagination, or if people really are staring at me. I want a woman to look at me and think "He is Handsome", as opposed to "He is obviously fat, therefore lazy, therefor i wont bother speaking to him"
One night, when I was out with my friends, I was given one of those dirty looks that says "eww" – I ended up in tears for about half an hour, because I was so sure that I was going to spend my life alone, without anybody there. Not something a 21 year old should be thinking about eh? - I ought to be too busy having a laugh, worrying about money, worrying about whether that girl over there fancies me, not whether I am ever EVER going to be emotioanlly close to anyone.
More recently, I am now on a degree course that is going to last for three years, and it is in a subject that I enjoy (you can go see the University homepage if you want). My closest friend, Nicola, appears to be getting new friends at the moment, and kind of drifting away from me. I was very upset about this, and have had some problems coming to terms with the fact, but I am getting used to it now. this is a seperate problem. Things change, i have to do so as well.
I always seem to want to be close to just one friend, I am never that bothered about having lots of friends. It just means that I miss out on a lot of stuff, whereas with having one close friend, I can keep up to speed and not miss a thing. Its very complicated, and I am sure you will all be lost by those previous sentences, but I know what I mean!! :)
I am trying to eat healthily now, you know, new friends, new course, new job, new eating habits... but old habits die hard, and food seems to be the hardest to overcome. I only hope I can do it... I would pray that it will work if I had religious beliefs!!!!
I hope that I haven't bored you too much..... OI!! WAKE UP!!! - j/k! - but if you have any advice on how to help me, please do e-mail me. I need all the help I can get, and dont worry about feeling that you may be patronising me, you aren't!!!!!